I know no one will read this.... I think that's probably why I'm posting this here, no one who knows me IRL is on here or even visits this page.

I think I hit rock bottom the other night. Despite all the amazing people in my life when heartbreak becomes reality, it's very hard to ignore that the bad hurts no matter how much good there is. The friends in my life love me so much and believe me I do see that, but I lost a best friend yesterday... I spent two years of my life with him and was sure I was going to marry him... But I suppose things happen, people change and lives go on.

This is the third relationship I've had ruined because I cannot function as a stable human being for elongated periods of time. I gave him the warning when we started this relationship. And in the end he couldn't handle that when I have a breakdown I need to handle it alone, and once my feet are back on the ground I can resume my life... He couldn't handle being there without the title... the fucking title of boyfriend/girlfriend... the lack of that is why he couldn't handle this situation.... As sad as it makes me it is starting to anger me.. he couldn't respect that I needed to put my life back on track in order to continue on with my life happily.. But I fully acknowledge that it was selfish of me to ask him to put his heart on hold for me, so I don't blame him for this.

So two years of an amazing relationship are now down the drain, watching him walk out the door last night for the last time ever really hurt. I saw that coming, but no matter how much you prepare yourself... if you love someone the end inevitably will sting.

Time to put my life back on the track I need it to be on. The semester starts in a month, 6 classes, 2 semesters left to go.. I will make it that I do know, but the road to redemption is often paved with challenges and problems. I'll start over, but this time I really am going to do this alone. Relationships will be on a back burner for a long time to come.

I wish I had a moral to this story for my own good.. and this time I sadly do not.

I don't know why... but as I look through my list of people I watch... I'm beginning to notice more people from the IZ fandom being banned than anyone else on my watch list. Has anyone else noticed this or am I just imagining things?

I have the next chapter to Savory Sadism completely finished and edited... problem is it is a very adult chapter, and I don't know how DA is going to react to it. Same thing I know fanfiction.net doesn't respond well to this content, so I'm debating.... post it and get banned from ff.n and get in trouble on here or.... post it on another site and leave a link leading to the chapter. I just need to edit chapter 8 and then I can post that one up as well, but chapter 7 is the one I'm concerned about.
And I certainly don't want to post on one of the tacky adult fanfiction sites because 90% of the writing on those are pure trash.

Any opinions? I figure no one comments my journals so I'll come to a decision sometime this week and either probably post it up and worry about the backlash later.

Mew =^_^=

Kitty

What the hell..... he dropped dead last night or this morning.... like 6 months before The Dark Knight gets released.... Drug overdose... come on now.

R.I.P dude

So I started 2007 out with a new laptop figuring "awesome, this thing will last me another 2-3 years, at least." And yet here I am january 2008.... without a laptop... why because it decided to crash on me.
But the technological failure isn't what pisses me off so much.... it's that I have a ton of work on there that I could have been working on for oh..... the past month that I've been off for winter break.

What gets me is.. I have a whole new chapter of Savory Sadism ready to be posted on that computer, I have new Dragonball Z fanfiction ready to be posted, I have new Invader Zim fanfiction ready to go up, but what gets to me the most is that my new Bleach Fanfic is stuck on that piece of crap...... and that was my latest obsession, I had pounded out 2 chapters in like one night and had them edited and ready to go up before that thing broke on me... I can't work on any of my graphic art, any of my layouts, any of my fanfictions or poems... and everything that I've started I've had inspiration to finish in the past few weeks.... but not the pieces themselves to add the work to. It's infuriating and frustrating not to be able to do this, and what I've been writing out for all this is in this computer and I want to be able to put it together....

On top of all that school starts in a week and I'm going to have nothing to do on that what 5 hour break on wednesday's between classes...... I want a mac.... I hate windows so hard.
-sigh-

End rant.

<3

Kitty